Strip Club Humor

ESPN columnist Bill Simmons had a couple of interesting takes on clubs in his most recent chat:

Matt (New York, NY): If you were at a gentleman's club and PacMan Jones and his crew walked in, what would you do? Round up your buddies and head out the door as soon as possible? If you were getting a dance at the time, would you even wait for the end of the song?

Bill Simmons: I read an article about this - you're supposed to climb underneath the table, cross your legs, put your hands behind your head and lie facing the ground.

An interesting question. And locally, even more intriguing given the recent Blazer roster's love of all things stripper. Both Zach and Darius have been known to frequent a few clubs around town and I myself saw Sebastian Telfair at Jiggles down in Tualatin one night. Fortunately I think we're safe from PacMan, but as long as Darius is still in town, it's best to stay aware. Fortunately for me, none of the places Miles prefers are on my list of places to visit. At least not yet.

Adam: (New York, NY): You are exactly the guy to settle this: For the first time in my life this past weekend I was fortunate enough have "Mr. Roboto" as the background song for a lap dance. Needless to say, it was a wastershed comedic moment in my life. Watching a stripper try to put together a dance that was both alluring and contextually appropriate given the song was more entertaining than watching Eric Dickerson try to ad-lib an analysis of Lyndon Johnson's "Great Society." Anyway, the question: Is "Mr. Roboto" the funniest possible strip-club song to provoke this absolutely riveting experience?

Bill Simmons: It scares me that I'm exactly the guy to settle this. I still think "We Built This City" would be funnier - that's my answer to any "funniest song in a situation" question. But I think it would be funny to see someone strip to "We didn't start the fire" by Billy Joel - that song's so fast, I don't know what could happen there. Any suggestions are welcome.

As I mentioned before, I cannot stand interpretive dance on stage. There's just no place for it. I'm there to be entertained, not mortified. Mr. Roboto would be intriguing for a few minutes, but I'd want to get back to something more appropriate. Whatever they were playing at the 205 the other night should be a template for other clubs to emulate. I couldn't name a single band they played, but the music was good and it kept things moving. That's all I ask.

If you're not familiar with Simmons or, more importantly, his readers, the suggestions began to flow almost immediately. Here are a few of my favorites.

Mike (NYC): I think "TNT" by AC/DC would be in the top 5, that is about the most awkward song I've seen someone strip/dance to.

Portland sports fans will immediately recognize TNT as the song the Winter Hawks play when the team scores a goal. Even when KGON plays it while I'm in the car, I have a Pavlovian reaction and want to cheer. I couldn't imagine what my reaction would be if this tune were played at The Dolphin.

Joe, VA: For the strip club song... 500 miles by the Proclaimers.

The Librarian, a fan of all things Scottish, would wet himself if he were to hear that tune during a lapdance. Me? I'd head for the video poker. I'm enjoying the Deuces Wild these days.

Bunky: How about "Everybody Hurts" by REM for a lap dance?

REM would be in heavy rotation if the Librarian had his way. As would Peter Himmelman. Don't ask.

Mike (Chicago): I would like a lap dance to Rick Astley's "Never gonna give you up".

Bill Simmons: I'm glad you brought this up. When I was in college, we used to go to Papa Gino's for All You Can Eat Pasta night, which was fantastic. Anyway, right when we got there one night, I put $5 into the jukebox and just selected that same Rick Astley song over and over again so that it would play for the entire time we were there. The reactions from the diners were priceless. Every time the song ended, you could see people praying that it wouldn't start again, and then it would. I miss college.

I miss college too. But more to the point, I'll bet you Rick Astley has been played in a strip club. One with girls. Just as you can bet Milli Vanilli was played at some point as well. If there was stripping happening during the first Bush administration, people were stripping to Rick Astley. And George Michael.

nick eht, nj: Mike and the Mechanics "The Living Years" would also be an awful strip club song.........

I'm guessing guys have cried during lap dances. I'll be the first to confess I've gone to the club to try and strip away a memory. But a song about my dad? I really have zero desire to think about dead relatives while I'm there.

An interesting topic, though. The one tune that's ground on me for years has been the Prince tune Pussy Control that I swear the Dolphin played twice a night for five years. I haven't heard it in a few trips, so maybe it's been retired. Like I said, I prefer my music a little less smutty and a little more rockin'. Is this too much to ask?